An Apology to Those I Love

I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that back when I wasn’t always okay and you saw me cry
I didn’t tell you why.
That I kept to myself the reasons for my pain
Only because I didn’t want to bring you down
Even though you said that’s what friends are for,
But to be honest, my friendships back then were never
As real as the ones I have now. And
I’m sorry that I feel that way.
I’ve moved on from the shallow relationships of the past
And embraced the people I now love with whom
I will share my joys, my sorrows, and my secrets.
I’m sorry that I used to be so jealous of you,
My brothers, who I always loved.
I just really thought that I was the least loved among us
And that hurt me A LOT.
I thought I needed to compete with you for respect and equality.
It was never your fault though,
Never.
I’m sorry I wasn’t the friend you expected me to be.
I did honestly care for you a lot, but you wanted so much more than I had to offer.
I’m a definitely a giver, but I can only give so much
Before I have nothing for myself, and eventually I wear myself out.
Cutting out negativity packaged as a friendship is difficult.
I’m sorry that I expected more from you in that one week
When I really thought you cared.
I was naïve and in no way were you in the right,
But I wanted too much from someone
Who didn’t have that love to give,
And I gave my all to someone who didn’t deserve so much.
I hope we both mature enough to make our next respective partners very happy.
I’m sorry I’m not the daughter you want me to be because
My opinions are different than yours.
You raised me right, but right now you think I’m straying down the wrong path.
Let me make my mistakes even though it’s hard to see me fall.
I keep near and dear all you’ve taught me, but as I experience life,
I don’t always agree with what you believe, which is why I’m testing the waters.
Please remember back when you were young and learned on your own
And didn’t always end up doing what your parents wanted.
Sometimes I see that you are indeed right, but
Sometimes I see that I’ll never think like you again.
I’m a different person than you.
I’m going to grow up and learn to be
Me.
I can’t always be that five year old angel from your past.
I’m sorry I didn’t react to your news the other day in the way you wanted.
I honestly did care; I was just dealing with emotions.
I love being there for those I love, but
Sometimes I need you there for me too.
I’m sorry I’ve been so clingy lately. All those texts and Snaps
Aren’t meant to annoy you. It’s just that my world is changing,
And change is hard, so I’m looking to you because
You are a constant love in my life, and I seek
Your friendship in these times the most.
I’m sorry that I embarrass you in front of your friends. But you’ve
Always been there and you’re my best friend.
Family is forever; family is blood.
That’s why I always seek you out.
I love you, and I don’t care what you’re friends think of me,
But I don’t want to ruin their opinion of you.
I’m sorry that I always complain to you.
I hope our friendship isn’t just built on
You listening to me rant about things that don’t even affect you,
But thank you for always being there.
I’m sorry you think I’m immature,
But what’s the point of growing up if you can no longer have fun?
We’re not hurting anyone, so let’s keep going.
I’m mature when I need to be, but other than that,
I embrace the judgement from the solemn fools around us.
I’m the one laughing.
I’m sorry that sometimes I don’t know when to stop.
That sometimes I talk too much when you don’t really care,
Or that sometimes I tease too much and
You start to feel the pain.
I’m sorry I’m not always politically correct and
That I sometimes say or think things that are offensive without even realizing.
But now that I’ve learned,
I’m sorry that I’m aware of what you ignorant people aren’t,
And now I say things that make you cringe.
It’s just that there is so much brokenness in the world.
I’m sorry that sometimes I vent about the struggles of
Being a Minority Woman.
Yeah, you got your problems too, but
Honestly we have some barriers to cross and
Bringing awareness is just the first step.
I’m sorry that I’m seeking to fix the brokenness in my life with God,
And that I confuse you with my desires to change.
I don’t think you’re a bad person for doing the things you do,
Even things I used to do with you that now I want to stop.
This is a spiritual calling I feel right now,
And I’m chasing a certain path.
I’m sorry that I’ve lost my insecurities and now I seem conceited
When really it should be a blessing that I’m confident and proud
And honestly don’t care what strangers think of me.
I’m sorry that I no longer look in the mirror and think to myself
That I’m super fat, obese, unattractive, ugly, and unappreciated.
I’m glad that side of me was swept away by the love from those around me,
And if my comfort with myself and my acceptance of myself
Really makes you that uncomfortable,
I don’t know what to say.
I’m sorry that I’m so sensitive.
That sometimes things you say make me cry when I’m not with you
But confrontation is hard so I don’t always bring it up, but then
I’m sorry when I do confront you
You think that I just need to take a chill pill.
Sometimes I’m so stressed, so the little things get on my nerves,
But sometimes, you go too far and hurt me deep inside.
I’m trying to work things out you see,
Because I want us to stay together.
I’m sorry, truly sorry, for any hurt I may have ever caused you,
But I didn’t do it intentionally.
Relationships are hard and
We’re going to step on each other’s toes.
But in the end,
If we truly love one another,
We will work to make things right.
I’m sorry for being sorry.
I’m tired of apologizing for things beyond my control.
I’m tired of feeling bad for so many little things.
But I guess it’s just that I care too much what
Those I love think and feel, so should I say that
I’m sorry for loving you?
It was important that you read this
Because I want you to understand
That this long apology is also a thank you
Because you are part of the one thing
That I will never apologize for.
The experiences and relationships of
My past, present, and future
All contribute to who I am.
And I love it.
So,
Without a doubt,
I am not at all sorry for being me.

A Rare Repost

One of my friends recently posted this poem on her blog, and I think it’s really good. Check it out& stick around to look at her other stuff too. 😉

i’m trying to write a happy poem – http://wp.me/p6Ve6L-12