Heart.

You poke prod and play.

I feel it.

All I do is feel
Just feel it
That’s all
All I feel like I can do
All I want to
Do.

But now I hold it towards you
Bringer it closer than before
To pretend to have control
As you toy with what is sacred.

I know what I want.
I know what I need.
I know what I deserve.
Still,
I let this cloud my mind and
Poison my judgement.

I wish I said these things to you
I have of the agency of my own mind

Of my own voice

But I choose not to use them.
Instead I return
Over and over
Letting your inexpiable amusement
Tear it slowly
Meticulously
Dangerously

To my own demise.

The Bulb

Sometimes a bulb is planted but
It chooses not to bloom until the planter waters another.
When there are too many blooms, the planter
Chooses the prettiest to cut and display, hidden from the light, but
It is the one not cut that will survive the longest.
This one will contain the beauty shared with the world,
As it blooms in nature, for all to see, for all to behold, but
It too will pass one day, but when it does it may leave a child
For the world to keep forever, and through this,
The bloom will never fail.

Many bulbs are planted.
Few will bloom.
And only one could ever last forever.

Turned to Grey

Black and white; sharp and pristine
Until tears cloud them into a grey scene.

From a distance, unavoidable beauty does the portrait hold.
Edging closer, emotions sparked, double-takes, and some fakes
Initial awe diminished.

“‘Tis hideous!”
Easy to say
Unless you know the artist
And your pride is washed away.

Nodding in accordance
Judging from afar
But when it’s your turn
Your whole life is ajar.

Make her a dove
Make him a dove
They are doves
Nothing is evil.

Your lady is a dove
Your man is a dove

Why sting the dove?
How could anyone hurt the dove?
Could one actually bite the dove?

The other was evil.

A portrait, a painting, whatever art may be remaining
Unblurred beauty and lines, easy to see
One drop of emotion
And everything turns to grey.

The Drum

The Drum

It is when I stop caring
That I once again hear the drum
Patta-tat-tatta-rat-pat-pat
Unsteady
                   Softly
                                 Feeling
I can see in colour

                                 Breathing

And I hear it fade to gray.
I’m here now
I’m waiting
But you’re still looking
For that white picket fence.

Protected: Never When Sober

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An Apology to Those I Love

I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that back when I wasn’t always okay and you saw me cry
I didn’t tell you why.
That I kept to myself the reasons for my pain
Only because I didn’t want to bring you down
Even though you said that’s what friends are for,
But to be honest, my friendships back then were never
As real as the ones I have now. And
I’m sorry that I feel that way.
I’ve moved on from the shallow relationships of the past
And embraced the people I now love with whom
I will share my joys, my sorrows, and my secrets.
I’m sorry that I used to be so jealous of you,
My brothers, who I always loved.
I just really thought that I was the least loved among us
And that hurt me A LOT.
I thought I needed to compete with you for respect and equality.
It was never your fault though,
Never.
I’m sorry I wasn’t the friend you expected me to be.
I did honestly care for you a lot, but you wanted so much more than I had to offer.
I’m a definitely a giver, but I can only give so much
Before I have nothing for myself, and eventually I wear myself out.
Cutting out negativity packaged as a friendship is difficult.
I’m sorry that I expected more from you in that one week
When I really thought you cared.
I was naïve and in no way were you in the right,
But I wanted too much from someone
Who didn’t have that love to give,
And I gave my all to someone who didn’t deserve so much.
I hope we both mature enough to make our next respective partners very happy.
I’m sorry I’m not the daughter you want me to be because
My opinions are different than yours.
You raised me right, but right now you think I’m straying down the wrong path.
Let me make my mistakes even though it’s hard to see me fall.
I keep near and dear all you’ve taught me, but as I experience life,
I don’t always agree with what you believe, which is why I’m testing the waters.
Please remember back when you were young and learned on your own
And didn’t always end up doing what your parents wanted.
Sometimes I see that you are indeed right, but
Sometimes I see that I’ll never think like you again.
I’m a different person than you.
I’m going to grow up and learn to be
Me.
I can’t always be that five year old angel from your past.
I’m sorry I didn’t react to your news the other day in the way you wanted.
I honestly did care; I was just dealing with emotions.
I love being there for those I love, but
Sometimes I need you there for me too.
I’m sorry I’ve been so clingy lately. All those texts and Snaps
Aren’t meant to annoy you. It’s just that my world is changing,
And change is hard, so I’m looking to you because
You are a constant love in my life, and I seek
Your friendship in these times the most.
I’m sorry that I embarrass you in front of your friends. But you’ve
Always been there and you’re my best friend.
Family is forever; family is blood.
That’s why I always seek you out.
I love you, and I don’t care what you’re friends think of me,
But I don’t want to ruin their opinion of you.
I’m sorry that I always complain to you.
I hope our friendship isn’t just built on
You listening to me rant about things that don’t even affect you,
But thank you for always being there.
I’m sorry you think I’m immature,
But what’s the point of growing up if you can no longer have fun?
We’re not hurting anyone, so let’s keep going.
I’m mature when I need to be, but other than that,
I embrace the judgement from the solemn fools around us.
I’m the one laughing.
I’m sorry that sometimes I don’t know when to stop.
That sometimes I talk too much when you don’t really care,
Or that sometimes I tease too much and
You start to feel the pain.
I’m sorry I’m not always politically correct and
That I sometimes say or think things that are offensive without even realizing.
But now that I’ve learned,
I’m sorry that I’m aware of what you ignorant people aren’t,
And now I say things that make you cringe.
It’s just that there is so much brokenness in the world.
I’m sorry that sometimes I vent about the struggles of
Being a Minority Woman.
Yeah, you got your problems too, but
Honestly we have some barriers to cross and
Bringing awareness is just the first step.
I’m sorry that I’m seeking to fix the brokenness in my life with God,
And that I confuse you with my desires to change.
I don’t think you’re a bad person for doing the things you do,
Even things I used to do with you that now I want to stop.
This is a spiritual calling I feel right now,
And I’m chasing a certain path.
I’m sorry that I’ve lost my insecurities and now I seem conceited
When really it should be a blessing that I’m confident and proud
And honestly don’t care what strangers think of me.
I’m sorry that I no longer look in the mirror and think to myself
That I’m super fat, obese, unattractive, ugly, and unappreciated.
I’m glad that side of me was swept away by the love from those around me,
And if my comfort with myself and my acceptance of myself
Really makes you that uncomfortable,
I don’t know what to say.
I’m sorry that I’m so sensitive.
That sometimes things you say make me cry when I’m not with you
But confrontation is hard so I don’t always bring it up, but then
I’m sorry when I do confront you
You think that I just need to take a chill pill.
Sometimes I’m so stressed, so the little things get on my nerves,
But sometimes, you go too far and hurt me deep inside.
I’m trying to work things out you see,
Because I want us to stay together.
I’m sorry, truly sorry, for any hurt I may have ever caused you,
But I didn’t do it intentionally.
Relationships are hard and
We’re going to step on each other’s toes.
But in the end,
If we truly love one another,
We will work to make things right.
I’m sorry for being sorry.
I’m tired of apologizing for things beyond my control.
I’m tired of feeling bad for so many little things.
But I guess it’s just that I care too much what
Those I love think and feel, so should I say that
I’m sorry for loving you?
It was important that you read this
Because I want you to understand
That this long apology is also a thank you
Because you are part of the one thing
That I will never apologize for.
The experiences and relationships of
My past, present, and future
All contribute to who I am.
And I love it.
So,
Without a doubt,
I am not at all sorry for being me.

Poetic Wednesday: Heart and Mind

Vines that entrap the heart
Do not spare the mind.

Heart and Mind;
They intertwine.

But despite their proximity,
Why can they not agree?

Their daily battles result
In nothing more than hopeless confusion.

Mind says no, never again,
But Heart yearns, please, return my friend.

Mind says yes, ’tis a good idea,
But Heart refuses oh so vehemently.

Their daily battles do not relent,
Only causing ache and stress.

Mind, obviously so capable of love,
Refuses to accept emotion.

Heart, truly understands reason,
But decides to reject it completely.

Will the day ever come?
When they decide to be just one?

When compromise will be Victor,
And emotion and reason will live together.

Until then, the war rages on,
Heart and Mind know not what is right.

Vines that entrap the heart
Do not spare the mind.

 

Quotable Friday: Dr. Seuss

This quote is currently relevant to my life, but I’m not sure how I feel about it. I feel like it is definitely good advice. It’s better to dwell on the positive things in life. You’ll have a much better everyday attitude in that case, but at the same time, pain is a part of life, and it’s important to let yourself cry every now and then. Sometimes a good cry is what you need. It’s like a physical representation that everything is not okay at the moment and the fact that that there’s water sliding down your face shows your human side. It shows you letting out your emotions which is much better than holding them in all the time. I’m not saying we should go around crying about everything all the time though. Allow yourself to feel the pain and hurt life might throw at you, but after letting out what may feel like negative emotions (they’re really not. Sadness is important), focus on the positive things in your life, or even the positive aspects of the situation that made you cry. Trust me, it leaves you so much happier in the long run. Dr. Seuss was on the right track with this quote, I do promote it, but it’s also important to cry every so often. We’re only human after all.

Tumbling Emotions in Inside Out

So while sitting in the theater today (well when this posts, it will have been yesterday), I realized it’s been a while since I watched a Disney Pixar film. I missed the past three that came out, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever get around to them. But I’m really glad I went to see Inside Out. It is a film that was very well done. The short that played prior to the film (I honestly forgot they did those!) was adorable. It was a story through song about a volcano looking for love—or as pronounced in the short lava. It was quite clever and fun. And then came the logo animations for Disney and Pixar. I always used to love the cute little lamp squashing the “i” in Pixar, and it hasn’t changed. Disney’s animation, however, has become quite sophisticated. Whatever happened to the simple mono-color castle design?

Then came the actual movie about the emotions of an eleven year old girl going through some big changes in her life. And the story was literally about her emotions. In the clever little tale, everyone has five emotions up in their head that control their reactions to the world around them. These emotions, joy, sadness, disgust, fear, and anger, also handle memories, and they must do their job well to keep a human mentally fit. When a mishap causes core memories and sadness and joy to leave headquarters, the young girl faces a new range of only bad emotions straining her relationships and ruining her hapiness. Joy and Sadness must work together to traverse the amazing inner workings of her brain to return her core memories.

Usually when I like an animated film, one of my go-to describers is “cute!” but that is not what I thought after seeing Inside Out. The storyline was surprisingly mature for being a Disney Pixar film. But what a fun storyline it was! The film kept me engaged from the beginning! I loved peppy optimistic Joy and sullen Sadness as well as the other three characters who lived up to their names. It was fun to see them personalized especially because their emotions weren’t limited to the ones they produced.

Following the adventure of Joy and Sadness was following the extremely creative minds of the people that put this story together. It was so clever… actually the idea behind this story was quite brilliant! It brought out many emotions in me. There were some moments fit for laughter, and as they weren’t lame, I did let out some audible chuckles. The story as a whole had a more serious note than other Pixar films though, and it was executed beautifully. Tears found the edge of my eyes more than once and actually jumped down to travel my cheeks once. The film was able to capture the frustrated emotions a young person often feels and the tensions within family that can be caused by big changes like moving as in this movie.

As it was animated, computer graphics were a necessity and as expected, they were impeccable. The voice actors did a great job! Amy Poehler played Joy and was great in presenting an exuberant optimist. The others also catered to their characters’ personalities well.

This movie overall was very good! It is based off such an interesting and creative idea and its execution will bring out the real emotions within you. You can be sure Joy and Sadness will have their fare share of pushing buttons up in your head if you take the time to see it, but after it’s over you won’t mind the tumble of emotions one bit.

Can you guess which emotion is which?