An Apology to Those I Love

I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that back when I wasn’t always okay and you saw me cry
I didn’t tell you why.
That I kept to myself the reasons for my pain
Only because I didn’t want to bring you down
Even though you said that’s what friends are for,
But to be honest, my friendships back then were never
As real as the ones I have now. And
I’m sorry that I feel that way.
I’ve moved on from the shallow relationships of the past
And embraced the people I now love with whom
I will share my joys, my sorrows, and my secrets.
I’m sorry that I used to be so jealous of you,
My brothers, who I always loved.
I just really thought that I was the least loved among us
And that hurt me A LOT.
I thought I needed to compete with you for respect and equality.
It was never your fault though,
Never.
I’m sorry I wasn’t the friend you expected me to be.
I did honestly care for you a lot, but you wanted so much more than I had to offer.
I’m a definitely a giver, but I can only give so much
Before I have nothing for myself, and eventually I wear myself out.
Cutting out negativity packaged as a friendship is difficult.
I’m sorry that I expected more from you in that one week
When I really thought you cared.
I was naïve and in no way were you in the right,
But I wanted too much from someone
Who didn’t have that love to give,
And I gave my all to someone who didn’t deserve so much.
I hope we both mature enough to make our next respective partners very happy.
I’m sorry I’m not the daughter you want me to be because
My opinions are different than yours.
You raised me right, but right now you think I’m straying down the wrong path.
Let me make my mistakes even though it’s hard to see me fall.
I keep near and dear all you’ve taught me, but as I experience life,
I don’t always agree with what you believe, which is why I’m testing the waters.
Please remember back when you were young and learned on your own
And didn’t always end up doing what your parents wanted.
Sometimes I see that you are indeed right, but
Sometimes I see that I’ll never think like you again.
I’m a different person than you.
I’m going to grow up and learn to be
Me.
I can’t always be that five year old angel from your past.
I’m sorry I didn’t react to your news the other day in the way you wanted.
I honestly did care; I was just dealing with emotions.
I love being there for those I love, but
Sometimes I need you there for me too.
I’m sorry I’ve been so clingy lately. All those texts and Snaps
Aren’t meant to annoy you. It’s just that my world is changing,
And change is hard, so I’m looking to you because
You are a constant love in my life, and I seek
Your friendship in these times the most.
I’m sorry that I embarrass you in front of your friends. But you’ve
Always been there and you’re my best friend.
Family is forever; family is blood.
That’s why I always seek you out.
I love you, and I don’t care what you’re friends think of me,
But I don’t want to ruin their opinion of you.
I’m sorry that I always complain to you.
I hope our friendship isn’t just built on
You listening to me rant about things that don’t even affect you,
But thank you for always being there.
I’m sorry you think I’m immature,
But what’s the point of growing up if you can no longer have fun?
We’re not hurting anyone, so let’s keep going.
I’m mature when I need to be, but other than that,
I embrace the judgement from the solemn fools around us.
I’m the one laughing.
I’m sorry that sometimes I don’t know when to stop.
That sometimes I talk too much when you don’t really care,
Or that sometimes I tease too much and
You start to feel the pain.
I’m sorry I’m not always politically correct and
That I sometimes say or think things that are offensive without even realizing.
But now that I’ve learned,
I’m sorry that I’m aware of what you ignorant people aren’t,
And now I say things that make you cringe.
It’s just that there is so much brokenness in the world.
I’m sorry that sometimes I vent about the struggles of
Being a Minority Woman.
Yeah, you got your problems too, but
Honestly we have some barriers to cross and
Bringing awareness is just the first step.
I’m sorry that I’m seeking to fix the brokenness in my life with God,
And that I confuse you with my desires to change.
I don’t think you’re a bad person for doing the things you do,
Even things I used to do with you that now I want to stop.
This is a spiritual calling I feel right now,
And I’m chasing a certain path.
I’m sorry that I’ve lost my insecurities and now I seem conceited
When really it should be a blessing that I’m confident and proud
And honestly don’t care what strangers think of me.
I’m sorry that I no longer look in the mirror and think to myself
That I’m super fat, obese, unattractive, ugly, and unappreciated.
I’m glad that side of me was swept away by the love from those around me,
And if my comfort with myself and my acceptance of myself
Really makes you that uncomfortable,
I don’t know what to say.
I’m sorry that I’m so sensitive.
That sometimes things you say make me cry when I’m not with you
But confrontation is hard so I don’t always bring it up, but then
I’m sorry when I do confront you
You think that I just need to take a chill pill.
Sometimes I’m so stressed, so the little things get on my nerves,
But sometimes, you go too far and hurt me deep inside.
I’m trying to work things out you see,
Because I want us to stay together.
I’m sorry, truly sorry, for any hurt I may have ever caused you,
But I didn’t do it intentionally.
Relationships are hard and
We’re going to step on each other’s toes.
But in the end,
If we truly love one another,
We will work to make things right.
I’m sorry for being sorry.
I’m tired of apologizing for things beyond my control.
I’m tired of feeling bad for so many little things.
But I guess it’s just that I care too much what
Those I love think and feel, so should I say that
I’m sorry for loving you?
It was important that you read this
Because I want you to understand
That this long apology is also a thank you
Because you are part of the one thing
That I will never apologize for.
The experiences and relationships of
My past, present, and future
All contribute to who I am.
And I love it.
So,
Without a doubt,
I am not at all sorry for being me.

Poetic Wednesday: The Leaf

The Leaf

When the leaf
First felt sunlight,
She spread her wings
To embrace the warmth.

As she grew
Larger and stronger,
She communed with her siblings,
Breathing gently.

Together,
They did their duty,
Clothing the tree
In majestic beauty.

Soft winds did blow
Causing the leaf
And her neighbors
To sway and dance.

On stormy occasions,
The branches would shake,
Discharging all those
Weaker than the rest.

The leaf watched with sadness
As one by one,
Her neighbors lost their grip
And slipped off into the wind.

The breezes changed
And so did the colors
Of the leaf and her
Many sisters and brothers.

They lost the strength;
They lost the will;
To remain on the branches
Of the tree.

But the leaf
Knew her duty,
And would not leave
The tree to shiver nakedly.

While relinquishing his hold,
“Why do you stay?”
Her last neighbor asked
One cold autumn evening.

Without letting her answer,
“Look at you!
There is no purpose!”
He cried as he fell.

But before she could speak
And provide a viable answer
Her last neighbor
Was already at the bottom.

The leaf could not
See herself,
As her neighbor
Had commanded.

But judging by her lost friends,
She knew she was not
The spry green beauty
She once was.

The tree had no-one
But her now,
And obstinately,
She refused to let go.

She shivered through
The winter months,
Snow clumping against her,
Trying to pull her down.

She shook it off
Carefully,
With the little strength
She had left.

In decay,
She wondered if maybe,
She should have followed
All of her neighbors and friends.

Barely there,
She could not clothe the
Tree on her own,
Especially in such disarray.

The loneliness that
Had swept in long before
Encouraged her to
Just move on.

Just as she was about
To release her
Final hold on her branch,
She noticed something.

Tiny buds of many hues,
Cluttered all over
The tree’s many branches
Had begun to grow.

The happiness
Of the leaf
Truly knew
No bounds.

Letting go with
A final breath,
She knew the tree
Was in safe hands.

Finally,
After all this time,
The noble leaf,
Did fall.

©2015 The Glitter Aficionado