Heart.

You poke prod and play.

I feel it.

All I do is feel
Just feel it
That’s all
All I feel like I can do
All I want to
Do.

But now I hold it towards you
Bringer it closer than before
To pretend to have control
As you toy with what is sacred.

I know what I want.
I know what I need.
I know what I deserve.
Still,
I let this cloud my mind and
Poison my judgement.

I wish I said these things to you
I have of the agency of my own mind

Of my own voice

But I choose not to use them.
Instead I return
Over and over
Letting your inexpiable amusement
Tear it slowly
Meticulously
Dangerously

To my own demise.

The Bulb

Sometimes a bulb is planted but
It chooses not to bloom until the planter waters another.
When there are too many blooms, the planter
Chooses the prettiest to cut and display, hidden from the light, but
It is the one not cut that will survive the longest.
This one will contain the beauty shared with the world,
As it blooms in nature, for all to see, for all to behold, but
It too will pass one day, but when it does it may leave a child
For the world to keep forever, and through this,
The bloom will never fail.

Many bulbs are planted.
Few will bloom.
And only one could ever last forever.

Fill My Cup

I took the day to fill my cup
But you come to puncture my soul
The water leaves, streaming out
My life, my happiness, my hope
It is as though, the thirst will stay
Yearning, yearning, wanting more
I see the water pure and sweet
Why must you persist in blocking me?
You steal my water, pour it out
You don’t even appreciate it whole
You’re always there, watching me
I can’t escape your hold
I hold the pitcher to pour it in
You’re on your way, I know
It is clear water, but you grab the die
Slowly, you taint my soul.

Twenty Minutes: A Response to the Stanford Rape Case

In twenty minutes,
You could walk a mile.
In twenty minutes,
You could mix up the ingredients for a cake.
In twenty minutes,
You could finish the essay portion of the SAT.
In twenty minutes,
You could learn a new mathematical formula.
In less than twenty minutes,
You could pull a child from a burning building,
Forever being known to the family as a hero.
In less than twenty minutes,
You could give a graduation address,
Forever being known as your class’s valedictorian.
In less than twenty minutes,
You could pull a gun trigger for the first time,
And end someone’s life for the first time.
In less than twenty minutes,
You could deliver a sentence
That takes into account the life of the attacker more than the life of the victim.
In less than twenty minutes,
You could play this ridiculous blaming game,
In which you blame everything and everyone except the person who is at fault.
In less than twenty minutes,
You could call this a mistake, a misstep, an unfortunate happening, a misunderstanding
You could call it anything but rape.
In twenty minutes…
You could have action…
Just twenty minutes of action
In which you take advantage of an unconscious woman
In which you make a decision that ruins her life
In which you decide your own desires trump her inability to consent
In which you rape a woman
In just twenty minutes of action,
You could sexually assault a woman,
And forever earn the right to be labeled a sex offender.
In just twenty minutes of action…
In just twenty minutes of rape.
For just twenty minutes of rape,
You deserve much more than six months in jail.

Turned to Grey

Black and white; sharp and pristine
Until tears cloud them into a grey scene.

From a distance, unavoidable beauty does the portrait hold.
Edging closer, emotions sparked, double-takes, and some fakes
Initial awe diminished.

“‘Tis hideous!”
Easy to say
Unless you know the artist
And your pride is washed away.

Nodding in accordance
Judging from afar
But when it’s your turn
Your whole life is ajar.

Make her a dove
Make him a dove
They are doves
Nothing is evil.

Your lady is a dove
Your man is a dove

Why sting the dove?
How could anyone hurt the dove?
Could one actually bite the dove?

The other was evil.

A portrait, a painting, whatever art may be remaining
Unblurred beauty and lines, easy to see
One drop of emotion
And everything turns to grey.

The Drum

The Drum

It is when I stop caring
That I once again hear the drum
Patta-tat-tatta-rat-pat-pat
Unsteady
                   Softly
                                 Feeling
I can see in colour

                                 Breathing

And I hear it fade to gray.
I’m here now
I’m waiting
But you’re still looking
For that white picket fence.

That Road Not Taken

That Road Not Taken

Two Roads Diverged in a Yellow Wood
One claims the fun
One claims the play
The other provides insight
The other incites delay
One is righteous
One is evil
Which is the one less trodden on?
I’m over this metaphor.
I choose what I want.
I’m taking this path.
No-one can tell me it’s wrong.
This is the path I choose.
Two roads diverged?
One mind diverged
When I find peace with myself
The decision is easy
No more conflict rests within me
The Road Not Taken
Strays far from me
I will not worry
And I do not regret.
That Road Not Taken?
Out of sight
Out of mind.

Never When Sober

Never When Sober

Never when I’m sober
Would I dance with a random guy
I wouldn’t let him touch my body
Nor would I touch him back
Would I be okay with
Pressing My Lips to a Stranger’s

Only with Feelings and True Emotion
Can I act.

Swaying side to side,
Grinding to the music,
Pushing my body against his
Never when I’m sober.
Not with an unknown man.

But it happened anyway.
And I don’t even know his name

Waiting for Spring

Waiting for Spring

Spring is a Casanova.
He seduces me with his visits.
I embrace his warmth, but
Tantalizing, with a smile he wisps away.
His dazzling grin is what keeps Frost at bay, so
It is with dismay I look outside to see
My grass is sprinkled with flurries.
I wait for the day where he will stay.
So my garden may bloom again.

An Apology to Those I Love

I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that back when I wasn’t always okay and you saw me cry
I didn’t tell you why.
That I kept to myself the reasons for my pain
Only because I didn’t want to bring you down
Even though you said that’s what friends are for,
But to be honest, my friendships back then were never
As real as the ones I have now. And
I’m sorry that I feel that way.
I’ve moved on from the shallow relationships of the past
And embraced the people I now love with whom
I will share my joys, my sorrows, and my secrets.
I’m sorry that I used to be so jealous of you,
My brothers, who I always loved.
I just really thought that I was the least loved among us
And that hurt me A LOT.
I thought I needed to compete with you for respect and equality.
It was never your fault though,
Never.
I’m sorry I wasn’t the friend you expected me to be.
I did honestly care for you a lot, but you wanted so much more than I had to offer.
I’m a definitely a giver, but I can only give so much
Before I have nothing for myself, and eventually I wear myself out.
Cutting out negativity packaged as a friendship is difficult.
I’m sorry that I expected more from you in that one week
When I really thought you cared.
I was naïve and in no way were you in the right,
But I wanted too much from someone
Who didn’t have that love to give,
And I gave my all to someone who didn’t deserve so much.
I hope we both mature enough to make our next respective partners very happy.
I’m sorry I’m not the daughter you want me to be because
My opinions are different than yours.
You raised me right, but right now you think I’m straying down the wrong path.
Let me make my mistakes even though it’s hard to see me fall.
I keep near and dear all you’ve taught me, but as I experience life,
I don’t always agree with what you believe, which is why I’m testing the waters.
Please remember back when you were young and learned on your own
And didn’t always end up doing what your parents wanted.
Sometimes I see that you are indeed right, but
Sometimes I see that I’ll never think like you again.
I’m a different person than you.
I’m going to grow up and learn to be
Me.
I can’t always be that five year old angel from your past.
I’m sorry I didn’t react to your news the other day in the way you wanted.
I honestly did care; I was just dealing with emotions.
I love being there for those I love, but
Sometimes I need you there for me too.
I’m sorry I’ve been so clingy lately. All those texts and Snaps
Aren’t meant to annoy you. It’s just that my world is changing,
And change is hard, so I’m looking to you because
You are a constant love in my life, and I seek
Your friendship in these times the most.
I’m sorry that I embarrass you in front of your friends. But you’ve
Always been there and you’re my best friend.
Family is forever; family is blood.
That’s why I always seek you out.
I love you, and I don’t care what you’re friends think of me,
But I don’t want to ruin their opinion of you.
I’m sorry that I always complain to you.
I hope our friendship isn’t just built on
You listening to me rant about things that don’t even affect you,
But thank you for always being there.
I’m sorry you think I’m immature,
But what’s the point of growing up if you can no longer have fun?
We’re not hurting anyone, so let’s keep going.
I’m mature when I need to be, but other than that,
I embrace the judgement from the solemn fools around us.
I’m the one laughing.
I’m sorry that sometimes I don’t know when to stop.
That sometimes I talk too much when you don’t really care,
Or that sometimes I tease too much and
You start to feel the pain.
I’m sorry I’m not always politically correct and
That I sometimes say or think things that are offensive without even realizing.
But now that I’ve learned,
I’m sorry that I’m aware of what you ignorant people aren’t,
And now I say things that make you cringe.
It’s just that there is so much brokenness in the world.
I’m sorry that sometimes I vent about the struggles of
Being a Minority Woman.
Yeah, you got your problems too, but
Honestly we have some barriers to cross and
Bringing awareness is just the first step.
I’m sorry that I’m seeking to fix the brokenness in my life with God,
And that I confuse you with my desires to change.
I don’t think you’re a bad person for doing the things you do,
Even things I used to do with you that now I want to stop.
This is a spiritual calling I feel right now,
And I’m chasing a certain path.
I’m sorry that I’ve lost my insecurities and now I seem conceited
When really it should be a blessing that I’m confident and proud
And honestly don’t care what strangers think of me.
I’m sorry that I no longer look in the mirror and think to myself
That I’m super fat, obese, unattractive, ugly, and unappreciated.
I’m glad that side of me was swept away by the love from those around me,
And if my comfort with myself and my acceptance of myself
Really makes you that uncomfortable,
I don’t know what to say.
I’m sorry that I’m so sensitive.
That sometimes things you say make me cry when I’m not with you
But confrontation is hard so I don’t always bring it up, but then
I’m sorry when I do confront you
You think that I just need to take a chill pill.
Sometimes I’m so stressed, so the little things get on my nerves,
But sometimes, you go too far and hurt me deep inside.
I’m trying to work things out you see,
Because I want us to stay together.
I’m sorry, truly sorry, for any hurt I may have ever caused you,
But I didn’t do it intentionally.
Relationships are hard and
We’re going to step on each other’s toes.
But in the end,
If we truly love one another,
We will work to make things right.
I’m sorry for being sorry.
I’m tired of apologizing for things beyond my control.
I’m tired of feeling bad for so many little things.
But I guess it’s just that I care too much what
Those I love think and feel, so should I say that
I’m sorry for loving you?
It was important that you read this
Because I want you to understand
That this long apology is also a thank you
Because you are part of the one thing
That I will never apologize for.
The experiences and relationships of
My past, present, and future
All contribute to who I am.
And I love it.
So,
Without a doubt,
I am not at all sorry for being me.